


A night out goes awry

by mawryth



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Humour, I needed cheering up, Romantic Comedy, Short & Sweet, Snarky Jaime, based on true story - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 03:52:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7418752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mawryth/pseuds/mawryth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brienne is returning from a night out with Renly when she realises she has forgotten her keys. Fuelled on the genius provided by lots and lots of alcohol, Brienne decides to try and get into her house via the backdoor. But things go rapidly downhill when she decides to gain entry through her cat flap...</p>
<p>Based on a true story!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A night out goes awry

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all!
> 
> This is a very short story, but I hope it will make you laugh. It is based on a true account that was told a while ago on BBC Radio 2's 'Confessions' during Simon Mayo's show - it made me cry with laughter, and since then it has stayed on my brain... so what better way to pay homage to a great story than turn it into a JB fiction?
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Brienne heaved a huge sigh of relief as the taxi finally pulled up outside her house. It was late - or early - and her head was still buzzing from the last lethal shot of Tequila Renly had forced her to drink. Now all she wanted to do was drink a pint of water and crawl into bed, losing herself to the welcome relief of deep, drunken sleep.

After foisting a handful of jumbled coins over to the driver, Brienne stumbled out of the car and began to weave her way down her driveway. With irritation, she realised that she had forgotten to turn her outside light on, which meant that making her way to her front door was more than a little awkward considering the world was spinning slightly. She thought asking the driver for help, but when she turned she realised he had already sped off and had subsequently plunged her into even greater darkness. 

_Wonderful._

Reaching out her hands, Brienne tentatively felt her way forward until she encountered the rough brick of the house. From there, she managed to fumble her way to her front door. Sighing with relief, she reached into her small shoulder bag to feel for her keys. Her bumbling fingers skimmed over more lose change, a lip balm, her driving licence and an emergency tissue, but she didn’t feel the reassuring cold metal of her keys. 

_Where the hell are they?_

Her eyes still hadn’t fully adjusted to the dark, so she was almost blind as she peered anxiously into her bag. She was sure - _certain_ \- that she had put them in there after shutting her front door, but then again, it _was_ self-locking, so perhaps she just shut it behind her? 

_Great. Just great._

She stood for a moment in the chilly darkness cursing her bad luck. The thin blouse she had on was no protection for the cool night air and she was beginning to shiver - she had to get inside soon or she would freeze on her doorstep. 

_Dammit, why didn’t I give someone a spare set of keys like Dad suggested? WHY??_

Suddenly an idea came to her - she had a spare key to the back door hidden underneath a plant pot in her garden. Relief surged through her, so she eagerly began to feel her way down the side of the house towards her garden gate. It was locked, of course, but fortunately her impressive stature and her lack of high heels meant she was reasonably equipped to vault over the high gate. Heaving herself up, Brienne once again cursed Renly for feeding her so many shots. _Never again._

After a few curses and grunts, Brienne dropped down on the other side of the gate. _So far, so good._ The darkness was still murky, so she had to tentatively feel around on the floor until she came to the right plant pot. To her relief, she found the key still sitting underneath it. 

Grinning in victory, she stumbled across to her back door and shoved the key in the lock. It fit, and the door lock clicked back with a satisfying clunk. Brienne let out a little congratulatory laugh in triumph and reached out to pull open the door. 

It didn’t budge. 

Brienne stared at the door stupidly for a second before giving it another almighty tug. It still didn’t move. _What the hell?!_ Anger now began to blur her vision even further and she started to rattle the door in its hinges, desperately wishing that it would open, but even a smart kick to the door’s surface did nothing. 

Realisation travelled slowly through her alcohol-soaked brain. She’d thoughtlessly pulled the inside bolt across the door before she left; little knowing that she would be trying to get in through the back garden in the very early hours of the morning. 

_FUCK, BUGGER, SHIT. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?_ She had no keys, no spares, and no friends who weren’t already lying unconscious in their own warm beds. It didn’t look good. 

Brienne gave the door another almighty kick, making the cat flap at the bottom of the door rattle with the force of the impact. Brienne glared at it, but then a cunning plan began to form in her mind. 

She knelt down in front of the cat flap and tentatively moved her arm through it. There seemed to be plenty of room, so she forced the rest of her arm through. _Perhaps having ridiculously long arms will be in my favour for once._ The constraints of the cat flap made bending her arm difficult, but she wriggled until she was reaching upwards. However, no matter how hard she stretched, she just couldn’t feel the bolt. _Where the hell is it?_

In irritation, she yanked her arm back out of the cat flap. _I must be close_. She eyed the cat flap warily. _I just need to look to see exactly where it is…_

It was a stupid idea - insane even - but kneeling on the cold ground was chilling her body even more, and she so desperately wanted to go to sleep. _It’s worth a try._

Brienne shifted in front of the door and carefully began to poke her head through the cat flap. She kept going until her shoulders bumped into the frame, and then twisted so that she could look up at the bolt. It was a little further to the right than she had expected, which explained why her clutching fingers hadn’t found it. 

Satisfied that she now had a better idea of the bolt’s whereabouts, Brienne began to try to withdraw from the cat flap. 

She didn’t move. 

Brienne paused in confusion for a moment before she once again attempted to reverse out. However, the cat flap was now holding her in a secure headlock and she didn’t move an inch. In a panic, Brienne tried to ram herself out of her predicament, but all she succeeded in doing was hurt her neck. 

Slowly, the horrible reality of her situation began to sink in. It was late, it was dark, it was cold, and she was kneeling with her backside on view to all her neighbours with her head firmly lodged in her cat flap. 

And there was nothing she could do. 

*** 

“Fuuuuuccccckkkk!!” Brienne yelled. Tears of frustration and embarrassment stung her eyes, and she could feel a hot flush spreading up across her face and neck, which made her movement in the cat flap even more restricted. _I am NEVER drinking again. EVER. I am such an incredible IDIOT._

She tried to violently remove herself from the cat flap, but it still wasn’t giving her up. It was tiring kneeling in this position, and the ground underneath her hands and knees was beginning to get damp, sending the cold through her skin and deep into her bones. 

Shivers soon gave way to another bout of movement in a vain attempt to get herself out of this God-awful predicament, but while the cat flap rattled and creaked, it did not give way. _What the hell is this thing made of? Titanium?_

Resignation now flooded through her. She was going to have to stay here all night, shivering and wondering how on earth she was going to explain this come morning. She began to sob noisily, cursing the maddening extent of her bad luck. _At least it can’t get any worse._

“Hello? Who’s there?” 

_Oh wait, yes it can._

Brienne screwed her eyes shut in horror as the sultry voice of her horrendously annoying God-like neighbour Jaime filtered through the night. He must have heard the racket she’d been making and come to investigate. _Go away, go away, go away._

“Who’s there?” he asked again. “If you don’t bugger off my neighbour’s property, I will call the police.” 

_Oh God, please no._

“Who’s there?” he demanded again. 

Brienne willed herself to be silent, but just then a slow trickle of rain started up. _Fantastic. Now I’m going to die of hypothermia._

“Right, I’m calling the police,” Jaime affirmed and Brienne heard the crunch of gravel as he began to retreat inside. 

“No!” she yelled out. 

The disappearing footsteps paused, and then crunched closer as her neighbour returned to their dividing fence. 

“Who’s there?” he asked again. 

Brienne took a deep breath. “It’s me, Brienne. I’m in the back garden.” 

The fence creaked as her neighbour leant against it in an attempt to peer over. 

“Where are you? And what the hell are you doing out here at this time of night? It’s 3.30 in the morning.” 

“I… I lost my front door key, so I was trying to open my back door. But I… I got stuck.” 

“Stuck?” he repeated, a trace of amusement filtering into his voice. “Stuck where?” 

Brienne growled. “Just get over here, idiot. I need some help.” 

“As you command, wench.” His footsteps retreated away and then a few minutes later Brienne heard him scrabble over the gate leading to her garden. “So where are you exactly?” he asked as he carefully made his way into her garden. 

“I’m by the back door,” she huffed. _This is going to be the single most embarrassing moment of my life._

Her neighbour’s footsteps approached and she heard him pause by her side. “Er… why are you kneeling on the floor?” 

Brienne took a deep breath. “Well… I seem to have my head stuck in my cat flap.” 

A silence ensued. 

“You’re head is stuck WHERE?” crowed her neighbour, whose laughter seemed to deafen her. “God, I HAVE to get a photo of this!” 

“Jaime! Don’t you DARE!” 

A click of a phone’s camera shutter filtered down to her ears. 

“JAIME!” she yelled in pure frustration, wriggling ferociously in a last attempt to free herself. 

Gasps of breathless laughter could now be distinctly heard. “Your head… in the cat flap… oh God….” 

“STOP LAUGHING!” 

“I can’t! OW!!” 

Brienne grinned to herself as she blindly managed to kick her leg backwards and into Jaime’s shin. “Serves you right,” she snapped with satisfaction. 

“That hurt!” he whined from behind her. 

“Good!” she yelled in reply. 

From somewhere behind her, Jaime grumbled to himself. “You had better apologise, wench.” 

“Me? Apologise? Why the hell should I?” Brienne was now getting extremely irritated, and she still couldn’t budge an inch from this damn death trap of a cat flap. 

“You know, you really aren’t in much of a position to negotiate,” he replied smugly. 

“I am NOT apologising!” Brienne roared, bunching her hands into fists against the floor. 

“Well, if you don’t apologise, then I may just head back over to my place and go back to bed.” 

Panic surged through Brienne. “You wouldn’t dare!” 

“Oh wouldn’t I?” he asked in his infuriatingly attractive voice. “The other neighbours will get such a treat tomorrow morning when they wake up and see your backside sticking out of the door like this.” He yawned. “You know what? I think I may go back to bed. Sweet dreams.” 

Jaime’s footsteps began to recede. “No! Don’t go! Please!” she shrieked, unable to keep the desperation from her voice. “I’m sorry, alight? I’M SORRY.” 

Jaime chuckled, but then his footsteps continued to fade away and Brienne heard him scrabble over her garden gate again. He was gone. _When I get out of this door I am going to rip his smug, blonde head off his shoulders!_ Tears began to prick Brienne’s eyes. _All I want to do is go to sleep in a nice, warm bed. Is that too much to ask?_ Swallowing thickly, Brienne resigned herself to waiting until morning for her rescue. The chill of the night air was beginning to make her shiver, and goosebumps stood out painfully over her chilled skin. _I’m never going out again. EVER._

Suddenly Brienne heard the wood of her garden gate creak as someone vaulted over. _Please God, let that be Jaime…_

“Miss me, wench?” said Jaime’s obnoxiously cheerful voice. 

Brienne snorted derisively. “Miss you? YOU LEFT ME!” 

Jaime chucked again. “Yes I did - but only to get emergency cat flap extraction tools.” 

Brienne was about to shout again when she felt a soft, heavy warmth envelop her shivering body. _Has he just put a blanket over me?_ Jaime’s voice floated from near her shoulder. “I thought you’d be getting cold,” he said softly. 

Brienne blinked rapidly, grateful that he couldn’t see the tears that were threatening to fall. “Thank you,” she mumbled. 

Jaime clapped his hands and sounded as though he was making himself comfortable on the floor by her side. “Right, let’s see if we can get you out! I did a bit of research…” 

“Research? What the hell did you look up? ‘How to get a drunk woman out of a cat flap’?” 

Jaime laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, wench. I tried ‘how to get a really fat cat out of a cat flap’. There were quite a few entries for that, and some excellent videos.” 

“Are you calling me fat?” Brienne snarled, her fists bunching up once again. 

“Well, for a cat you certainly are.” 

Brienne bit down on her anger. _Just stay calm. You need him - for now. Once you’re out you can mash him to a pretty pulp._

“Do you want to know the suggestions?” 

“Not really,” she grumbled. “Just get on with it already.” 

Without warning, a slimy, cold liquid trickled around her neck and seeped into her short hair. “What the hell is that?!” she bellowed as the slimy substance continued to pool under the collar of her shirt. 

“Olive oil,” Jaime replied matter-of-factly. “It’s Extra Virgin, I’ll have you know. Only the best for you!” 

“Olive oil?” she cried incredulously. “Are you planning to roast me when you get me out of this mess?” 

“Much as I would like to ‘roast’ you, I was actually working on the theory that a viscous substance would help you to wriggle free.” 

“Oh,” said Brienne, a little mollified. “I suppose that’s quite a good idea.” 

“All my ideas are good,” Jaime replied with a smile in his voice. “Try to see if you can get out now.” 

Brienne obediently tried to manoeuvre herself out of the cat flap, but all she managed to do was bang the back of her head on the frame again. “It’s no use,” she sighed. “I can’t get out.” 

“Hmmmm…” murmured Jaime in contemplation. “Perhaps there isn’t enough?” Brienne soon felt the cool trickle of yet more oil as he poured what felt like litres of the stuff over her neck. “Now try,” he urged. 

Again she wriggled and tried to angle her head out of the gap, but she still went nowhere. “It’s not working!” she huffed in frustration. 

“Don’t worry, wench. I have another idea!” Jaime crowed. For some reason, this didn’t inspire much confidence in Brienne. 

“What are you going to do?” she asked. Jaime didn’t reply, but then she heard the squeak of a plastic bottle as Jaime poured yet another slick substance over her neck. “Ugh, what is _that_??” 

“Washing up liquid.” 

“Washing up liquid?!” she squealed. 

“Do you have to keep repeating what I say? Yes, washing up liquid,” Jaime confirmed. 

“And how is washing up liquid meant to be better than olive oil?” questioned Brienne with malice. 

“No idea, but at least it will help to get the oil out of your hair,” Jaime replied blithely. 

“Oh great, thanks. Well, at least I’ve gotten a free hairwash out of this,” Brienne grumbled. Some of the washing up liquid was sliding down her shirt and leaving a horrible gooey trail across her skin. “What next?” 

Jaime didn’t answer straightaway. “You want the honest answer? I’m actually out of ideas, unless we find some way of prising this cat flap off the door.” 

Fear spiked through Brienne. “You cannot hammer at this cat flap with my head inside it!” she yelled. 

“Why not? It’s not like I’d damage anything important,” he snarked in response. 

Brienne snorted like a bull before a red flag. “If you tried to pull this thing out of the door, you would decapitate me!” 

She could hear his suppressed laughter. “And that would be a bad thing because…?” 

“You _bastard_!! She cried passionately. “When I get out of here I’ll…” 

“You’ll what? You do realise that your freedom currently depends on my help, don’t you?” 

With a great deal of effort, Brienne bit back her threat. “Well, I won’t be getting out of here, will I? Because you are useless and haven’t got any other ideas.” 

“I’ve got plenty of…” Jaime’s voice cut off mid-sentence and silence ensued. 

“Plenty of what? Jaime? JAIME? Are you still there?” Brienne demanded as she strained her ears to listen for him. 

“Shhh wench. I think I heard someone calling.” 

Brienne fell silent, and this time she could make out another voice. _Gods, don’t let it be another neighbour_. “Who is it?” she whispered harshly. 

“No idea,” Jaime responded. “I’m going to go and take a look. Don’t move!” he added with a laugh. 

“Twat,” she muttered under her breath. She heard Jaime launch himself back over the garden gate and then silence resumed. To her horror, she realised that the light in her kitchen was brightening - the sun was evidently starting to come up. _Soon I will be on display to the whole neighbourhood. At least I have a blanket covering me now._

It felt as though she had been there for an age, but then she heard the reassuring sound of someone clambering over her garden fence. She was about to call out when she heard someone else climbing over. _Why they hell has he brought someone else with him????_

Whoever it was followed Jaime round the side of the house and then abruptly burst into laughter. “I thought you were joking!” the mystery man gasped. 

“Nope,” replied Jaime in that smug voice of his. “As you can see, she is well and truly stuck.” 

The stranger’s laughter continued and soon Brienne had had enough. “Can you quit that now?” she roared. “This happens to be very uncomfortable and I’d like to get out of here!” 

“Now, now,” soothed Jaime. “Calm down, wench. This here is Officer Jon Stark of the King’s Landing Police Department. He heard you bellowing and decided to investigate.” 

“I was not _bellowing_ ,” she raged. “I am not a cow!” 

“Are you sure?” he teased. 

“Shut up! You wait; I am going to make you so sorry for this…” 

The officer cleared his throat. “Ma’am, I do apologise. It was wrong of me to laugh. I was just a bit surprised - I thought this gentleman was joking.” 

“Well, as you can see, he wasn’t,” Brienne snarled. “Now, what are you going to do to help me?” 

The officer cleared his throat. “I’m not exactly sure what to suggest, but I think the only course of action is to remove the cat flap from the door.” 

“See!” Jaime crowed in triumph. “It wasn’t a silly suggestion at all.” 

“I don’t want you drilling and hammering near my head!” cried Brienne. 

Jaime ignored Brienne’s wailing protests. “So, Officer. How do we do this?” 

“Do you have any tools?” the Officer’s deep, authoritative voice asked. “I think we’d need a screwdriver, maybe a hammer.” 

“Sorry - I don’t do much DIY,” Jaime replied cheerfully. “I have absolutely zero tools, which is a shame, because I’d so love to deploy them right now.” 

On the other side of the catflap Brienne ground her teeth. “Well, you’re useless, aren’t you? What are you two geniuses going to do then?” 

A brief silence ensured, broken only by the sound of shuffling feet as her two ‘rescuers’ tried to think of a way to get her out of her embarrassing predicament. “Well?” she demanded, not even bothering to hide the impatience in her voice. 

“Well…” echoed the officer. “We’re going to have to get that cat flap off one way or the other - I shall have to call the fire service to help.” 

“The fire service?” spluttered Brienne with horror. _Oh great - let’s bring in some MORE people to witness my ultimate humiliation!_

“I completely agree!” said Jaime with enthusiasm. _You bastard_. “Let’s call in some back up!” 

“No!” screeched Brienne. “Don’t you dare! Can’t you two do this on your own?” 

“Now, now, wench,” Jaime replied in an irritatingly soothing voice. “Firemen are used to getting people out of all sorts of trouble. It will be like getting a baby’s head out from between the bars of a banister.” 

“But I am NOT a baby!” she yelled, her face reddening in sheer anger. 

The officer cleared his throat. “I’ll… er… I’ll go and radio in the request,” he mumbled, and Brienne heard him swiftly move back around the side of the house. 

“Jaime please!” she begged. “Please just get me out!” 

A gentle hand resting on her shoulder made her jump with surprise. “Don’t worry wench - we’ll soon have you out of there. Are you cold?” 

Jaime’s sudden solicitousness took her by surprise. “I’m OK… thanks. The blanket is helping.” 

“Good,” he answered, his voice coming from very close by. Shivers ran up and down her spine as his warm hand gently caressed her shoulder before slowly being removed. 

The crunch of footsteps heralded the return of Officer Stark. “Good news - a fire crew have just finished at an incident nearby, so they will be here very shortly.” 

“Thank you,” mumbled Brienne. She was now aware that the sun was definitely starting to come up - she could make out the contents of her kitchen very clearly, although she had no idea of the time. She was ridiculously tired now, and uncomfortable. Her hands and knees were cold and sore from resting on the ground for so long and her neck was aching and bruised. _Just a little longer and then you will be out. I’ll never be able to look that idiot Jaime in the face again, but at least I won’t have my head stuck anymore._

The two men outside made idle chatter for a few minutes before the distinct peal of an approaching emergency vehicle cut them short. 

“They have the sirens on? Seriously?” groaned Brienne. _If that doesn’t wake up the entire neighbourhood, nothing will._

“Well, it IS an emergency,” japed Jaime. 

“Shut up,” she snapped. _I will kick him in the shin again, I will!_

“I’ll go and flag them down,” offered the officer, who sounded as though he would be happy to get away from the bickering pair. His footsteps hurried away again and Brienne faintly heard his struggles as he climbed back over her garden gate. The siren abruptly cut out and then she could hear the sound of slamming doors and curious voices. 

“Gods, how many of them are there?” she groaned, wishing for the millionth time that the ground would just swallow her whole. She could almost here the nonchalant shrug in Jaime’s voice. “No idea. Sounds like a whole herd of them.” 

“Great,” she muttered sarcastically. _Oh well, if it means I can get out of this damned cat flap I will be happy._

A loud bang shattered the peace of the early morning even further. “What was that?” she questioned Jaime. 

“Oh, they’ve just barged through your garden gate for easier access. It really was a pain having to climb over that thing, you know.” 

_Super - I shall just add buying and fitting a new garden gate to my list of things to do._

Lots of heavy footfalls and loud voices now began to round the corner of her house. Brienne braced herself. 

“Oh Gods!” someone cried. “We thought you were pulling our leg!” 

“Fucking hell, that’s not something you see every day!” 

“Is that a cat flap?” 

“How the hell did she get her head in there?” 

“This is definitely topping the list of the weirdest call-outs I’ve ever done.” 

Unseen by her onlookers, Brienne felt tears begin to prick her eyes. _This is so unfair. I have never been so horribly embarrassed in my life… Gods…_

“Hey!” roared a familiar voice. “She can hear you, you know? And I very much doubt that any of you can claim to have never done something stupid when you’ve had a lot to drink. Now quit your laughing, shut your mouths and get my neighbour out of this so we can all go back to sleep.” 

Startled silence followed Jaime’s furious outburst, and Brienne felt overwhelming relief and gratitude. _I could kiss him for that._

“Of course sir,” acceded one of the rescue crew. “Ma’am, what is your name please?” 

“Her name is Brienne,” Jaime practically snarled. 

“OK… Brienne we are going to try and unscrew the cat flap so we can take it off the door. Just try to stay still for now.” 

“OK,” she mumbled. She sensed someone kneeling down beside her and heard them tear off the rubber grommets that lined the outside of the cat flap. A squeaking then heralded the insertion of a screwdriver into the bolts that fixed it to the door. 

“I heard a siren! What’s going on?” yelled a distant voice. 

_Oh great, just what I need - nothing is better than Walder bloody Frey shouting at me from his window. At least he is probably too blind to see me sticking out of my back door._

“Oy! I’m talking to you! What’s going on?” 

Jaime sighed with irritation. “Good morning Mr Frey.” 

“Good? GOOD? What’s bloody good about it? I’ve never heard such a racket in my life! There’s laughing, shouting, sirens… what the bloody hell is going on?” 

“Nothing is going on Mr Frey,” Jaime answered with practised calm. “We will keep the noise down from now on.” 

“What’s that bloody woman done, eh? Has she set fire to her house?” 

“No, Mr Frey, she hasn’t.” 

“Is that her there? Why is she kneeling on the floor?” 

_Damn, there go my hopes of not being seen._

“It’s none of your business Mr Frey. Go back to bed.” 

“You can’t tell me what to do!” 

Brienne could practically hear Jaime grinding his teeth. “Just go back to sleep, Mr Frey,” he reiterated, his patience evidently wearing thin. 

“Oy, Jaime! What’s going on!” 

_Oh Gods, is the whole street awake?_

“Morning, Arya.” 

“I saw the fire engine! Oh! Hi Jon, what are you doing here?” 

“ _Stark_ …Of course, I didn’t realise you two would be related,” commented Jaime. 

_For God’s sake, this is turning into a family reunion now._

“Oh my Gods, is that Brienne? I’ve got to get a photo of this! How did she get stuck in there?” 

“Don’t you dare!” warned Jaime, but Brienne heard the tell-tale sound of a camera shutter clicking. 

“This is fucking brilliant!” crowed Arya. 

“Language Arya!” chastised Officer Stark. 

Brienne’s head was beginning to buzz with the growing hum of voices, but it seemed that her humiliation was not yet quite complete. A velvety, accented voice now made itself known among the throng of people. “Is there anything I can do? I saw an emergency vehicle.” Brienne rolled her eyes - of course her slightly sleazy neighbour Oberyn Martell would want to poke his nose in. 

“Oberyn… very kind of you, but I think we have it under control,” replied Jaime with steely determination. 

“Are you sure? What exactly has happened? Is she stuck?” 

“Well DUH,” snorted Arya from somewhere near her side. 

Oberyn sighed. “I shall tell Ellaria not to worry then. Oh, she’s already here!” 

_FOR GODS’ SAKE. I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE WITNESSES._

“Hello darling,” purred Ellaria from somewhere behind Brienne. “I woke up Danaerys - she’s a nurse you know.” 

“Ah Dany, so lovely to see you again,” greeted Oberyn a little obsequiously. 

“Hello,” replied Dany firmly. “Officer, is there anything I can do to help? I am a fully trained nurse.” 

“Er, that’s very kind of you Ma’am, but that won’t be necessary,” the officer stuttered. 

Another new voice now made itself known. “Good morning, a little bird told me that dear Ms Tarth was in distress so I came to offer my services.” 

“Oh hi Varys,” greeted Arya. 

_For fuck’s sake!_

“Arya!” barked a gruff voice. _Gods, is that Ned Stark?_ “What are you doing here? Your mother heard you run out of the door and we had no idea where you’d gone. Come home at once!” 

“But Dad! Didn’t you hear the fire engine? Brienne got stuck in her door!” 

“She’s stuck in her door?” Ned questioned with bemusement. “Oh! I see! That looks very uncomfortable.” 

_NO SHIT._

“Oh hello Jon. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

“No thanks… the fire crew have it under control I think.” 

“Keep the noise DOWN! Can’t you let an old man sleep?” shrieked Walder Frey from his bedroom window. 

“I must say,” commented Oberyn. “That blanket is covering her somewhat, but I never noticed before what a firm…” 

Jamie cut in with fiery malevolence. “She can hear you, Oberyn!” 

“Oh I know,” he smirked. 

“Perhaps you require a different tool?” asked Varys in his soft, melodic voice. “I may be able to find something that would help.” 

“We’re fine,” grunted the anonymous firefighter by Brienne’s shoulder. 

“Be quiet!” shrieked Walder Frey again. 

“Ned? Did you find Arya?” said a woman’s worried voice. 

“Hi Mum,” replied Arya. “Look at what’s happened to Brienne!” 

“Oh dear! How on earth did this happen? Oh, hello Jon. What are you doing here?” 

Brienne was beginning to think that she couldn’t take this anymore - she would have to scream, or die, or both, but then the miraculous happened and the cat flap came away from the door. A collective cheer went up as Brienne carefully shuffled backwards away from the door. 

The light of the morning was now very bright, and she found herself blinking at the gathered people around her. Her muscles was stiff and sore, so she was grateful when a firefighter with bright ginger hair gently reached out and, with some tugging and a bit of pain, managed to manoeuvre the cat flap over her head. She was free! 

Brienne sagged with relief and mumbled her thanks to the fire crew and Officer Stark, but there were so many people around her and so many pairs of eyes… Everyone was trying to talk to her at once and the small space around her was gradually being eroded as the crowd pressed forward to better scrutinise her idiocy. Brienne tucked Jaime’s blanket around herself defensively and shut her eyes tightly. _LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE!_

Just when she thought she would be crushed by her spectators, Jaime’s voice cut in harshly. “Back off! All of you! Don’t you have homes to go to? Clear off!” Brienne had never been so glad to have him nearby. When she finally unscrewed her eyes, she saw him savagely herding their neighbours, the police officer and the fire crew out of her garden, a determined look upon his tired face. 

Gradually the sound of protesting voices and tramping feet faded away and Brienne heard the fire engine start up and drive down the road. The ground beneath her was as cold as ever, but she lacked the energy to prise herself up. Besides, she still didn’t have a way of getting inside her house. 

A crunching sound warned her that she wasn’t quite alone. She glanced up as Jaime’s golden head reappeared. He frowned when he saw her bunched up figure on the floor. “You should get up - you’ll freeze if you stay on the floor any longer.” 

Brienne shrugged. “I still can’t inside my house,” she murmured tiredly. “I don’t exactly fancy trying to unlatch the door through the hole left by the cat flap again.” 

Jaime crouched down before her and held out his hand. “We’ll call out a locksmith later, but for now let’s get you inside.” 

_We?_ Brienne’s mind felt foggy from lack of sleep and the after-effects of all the alcohol she’d consumed earlier. “Wait… how can I get inside if the door is locked?” 

Jaime rolled his eyes. “I have a house, wench. Or would you prefer to stay out here and pretend to be a garden gnome?” 

Brienne scowled at him, which only caused him to laugh, his eyes sparkling like fresh spring grass clothed with dew. “Come on, wench. You can have a hot shower, a hot cup of coffee and a nap on a proper bed.” 

Brienne frowned at his extended hand, wondering whether to decline and just call a locksmith and wait for one to arrive, but the thought of a hot shower had her clambering up and gripping Jaime’s warm hand for support. She staggered a little when she was on her feet, her muscles aching and sore from being in one position for so long. Jaime steadied her before bending down and picking up her forgotten bag. “Thank you,” she mumbled as he handed it over to her. He flashed one of his mega-watt grins at her and then carefully began to lead her down the side of her house. 

It wasn’t until Jaime gently relinquished her hand to unlock his own front door that she realised their fingers had stayed entwined throughout the short walk. 

*** 

Brienne’s muscles had finally unwound thanks to the warm heat pummelled at her by Jaime’s power shower. Her fingers and toes had also lost their icy touch and were now swollen and pink with hot blood. She wished she had some other clothing at hand to change into, but that would have to wait. She therefore shrugged her flimsy blue silk blouse back on and roughly tugged her black skinny jeans up her long legs. At least she was now warm enough to discard the blanket. 

As she tip-toed out of Jaime’s rather impressive marble-lined bathroom she was instantly assailed with the heart-warming smell of fresh coffee and toast. Her stomach rumbled appreciatively, so she made her way carefully downstairs and found her way into the kitchen, which was flooded with sunlight from the fresh new morning. 

Jaime looked surprisingly at home in the vast space and he moved fluidly from counter to counter as he fished out mugs and poured out a rich, smooth-smelling coffee. Brienne’s shoes squeaked a little as she ventured out onto the tiled floor, causing Jaime to spin round. She smiled uncertainly at him, a little disconcerted at the way the morning light made his hair and skin glow. 

“Feeling better?” he asked amiably, pressing a mug of coffee into her hands. 

“Yes, much better,” she murmured, clasping her hands tightly around the mug. 

Jaime smiled warmly. “I’m afraid I’m not much of a cook, so toast is about as much as feast you will get,” he said, gesturing at the kitchen table, which was laden with a huge pile of honey-coloured toast and various jams and marmalades. 

Brienne blushed. “Oh! Toast is great, thank you.” She shuffled her feet awkwardly. “Er… thank you. For last night, I mean. I appreciate your help.” Her cheeks flamed as she thought over the whole incident. “Gods, I’m never going to look any of you in the eye again, am I?” she moaned, wishing she could drown herself in the dark comfort of her coffee. 

Jaime waved a dismissive hand. “They will forget about it eventually. One of them will probably do something stupid in the next couple of days and then we can gossip about them instead.” 

“But there are _photos_ ,” Brienne whined. “And you have one of them!” 

Jaime smirked and pulled out his phone. “Ah yes - probably my finest photographic work.” He tapped on his phone and contemplated the image with a smug grin. Brienne huffed in irritation and tried to snatch the phone off him. 

“Delete it - _please_ ,” she begged. 

Jaime regarded her for a moment before holding up his phone. Brienne averted her eyes so she didn’t have to see the embarrassing image. “If you want me to delete it, I will,” he declared. Brienne glanced up and watched in surprise as he swiped the photo into the ‘delete’ bin. Jaime sighed. “Such a pity though. I doubt I will be able to admire your backside in that much detail ever again.” 

Brienne’s face went hot as the blood pumped into her cheeks. She was suddenly overcome by the urge to fling the hot mug of coffee into his face, but she restrained herself. “Don’t you think I’ve been made fun off enough for one night?” she snarled, thumping the coffee mug onto the table so hard that it spilt half of its contents. She made to storm past Jaime and out of the back door but he stopped her with a strong arm. 

“Brienne - I’m sorry. I wasn’t making fun of you,” he said gently, his fingers curling around her bicep. 

Tears prickled in Brienne’s eyes. “Yes you were!” she insisted as she tried to wriggle free. 

“I’m sorry,” he reiterated. “It’s just that you’ve been taunting me for months…” 

Surprise and confusion caused Brienne to stop her struggle. “Taunting? What?” she asked dumbly. 

Jaime rolled his eyes and released his grip on her. “Oh come on! You’ve been gardening all bloody summer in nothing but that tiny vest top and a pair of shorts. And then you start doing yoga - yoga! - on your decking every morning. I’ve nearly flooded my bathroom and chopped off my fingers because I’ve been so distracted. So can you blame me if I took advantage of the rather tantalising sight of your backside clad in those paint-on jeans?” 

Brienne was speechless and could only stand there opening and closing her mouth for a long time. “You… you’ve been watching me?” she finally huffed out. “That’s…. that’s…” 

“That’s what?” questioned Jaime darkly, his green eyes darkening to a shady moss. “Intrusive? Perverted? Harassing?” 

“Yes!” spluttered Brienne, desperately wishing she could escape his intense gaze. 

“So you weren’t doing it on purpose? You weren’t wearing the world’s shortest shorts to show off those incredible legs just to wind me up? You weren’t doing it because you _liked_ the thought of me watching?” 

Brienne backed up a few steps as Jaime advanced. “No…” she squeaked out, but even as she said it she knew it was a partial lie. She knew full well that her neighbours all had views into her garden, and she had seen Jaime at the window a few times. “I was doing it to make a point!” she cried. 

Jaime raised a golden eyebrow. “And what point were you trying to make, wench?” 

Brienne swallowed. “I… well… you walk around in your garden with no shirt on! All the time, in fact! And I swear you never shut your bedroom curtains when you get changed…” 

Jaime’s grin was positively feline now. “Oh? Have you been peeking through my windows? Did you like what you saw?” 

Brienne’s face was as hot as a volcano now. “I didn’t mean to! Like I said, you never pull your curtains and…” 

Brienne’s next words were cut off as Jaime suddenly closed the gap between them and roughly pressed his lips against hers. Startled, Brienne tried to withdraw, but then Jaime wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, drawing her flush against his body. Her head was spinning and she felt completely dazed. Her mind seemed to have lost all control of her body, for suddenly she found herself slinging her arms about his neck and kissing Jaime as fiercely as she could. 

After a long moment they drew back to catch their breath, but Jaime did not relinquish his hold on her. “Oh, I have something to tell you…” he said casually, his fingers lightly tracing her side. “I looked in your bag…” 

Brienne blinked angrily at him. “You looked in my bag?! How dare…” 

Jaime grinned, his emerald eyes shining as he brought his face to within a breath of her own. 

“Your keys were in your bag all along."


End file.
